Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
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*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Dune (2021)
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,