imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
You Might Also Like
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant