Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
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[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
No, I don’t think I will.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Why is this me 😫
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.