son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
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me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
ATMs should have breathalyzers
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”