*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
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The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids