“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
You Might Also Like
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I didn’t come here to be called names
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental