I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
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[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave