Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
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Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My teenage children choosing violence
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
WTF
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.