Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
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Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Yes, but it was never about money
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I think this cat is broken
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.