How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
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Xylophonist Shredding It
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”