[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
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King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
He’s dead
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶