Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
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Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.