Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
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genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.