If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
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You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan