One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
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Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I feel attacked.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Blew my mind.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.