I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
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[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.