When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
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That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person