This makes total sense…
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Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night