I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
You Might Also Like
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
sistine chapel
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Anime is real
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Happy Febuary everyone!
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body