PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
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Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident