I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
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“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Intelligence is the new cleavage
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.