my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
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Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit