If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
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I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I’ve been drinking.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.