Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
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I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.