[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
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Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt