My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
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Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind