*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
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I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.