[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
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Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.