Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
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Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Barbie gone wild
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
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Expectations vs. Reality
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Aaaa…CHOO!
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)