why am i having trouble navigating this map??
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the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
“Theirye’re” problem solved
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Cinematography is my passion
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.