Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
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Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes