-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
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I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
oh you wanna fight?!