A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
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Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games