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I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
sir, my pâté if you please
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
This could be us but you eatin’
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”