Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
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how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter