WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
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billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
text from my dad when lebron broke the record