I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
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I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
My boss called in sick of me
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up