6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
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fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.