Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
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Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Chicken bread
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.