got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
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All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Pass gas, not judgment.
The symmetry is uncanny.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
What personal space?
My dog