“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
You Might Also Like
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.