Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
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Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
That took me a moment.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Breaking news:
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I wish I could veto my bills.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.