So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
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Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.