Lol #dogsoftwitter
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GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
our love story in four pictures
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.