Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
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me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]