Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
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waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”