Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
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My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time