Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
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Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.