You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
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First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Can’t stop laughing
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*