My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
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ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Wednesday
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale